So, About This Hiatus…

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     Hey guys, long time no talk. Sorry to have been away for so long (life’s been hectic, to say the least), but I wanted to let you know that I’m going to be back soon, hopefully with a review for either The Birth of a Nation or The Girl on the Train, whichever one I see first. Since I’ve been gone this long and left you hanging, I figured I’d really sit down and talk to you about why it’s taken me as much time as it has to come back, especially given what week it is. So, let’s go ahead and talk about me, shall we?

     Those of you that know me know that I tend to put myself under a lot of stress. Currently I’ve got school, work, my book (on sale now!), trying to set up a future for myself, editing a script and another book that I’ve already written, doing a podcast, planning out the sequel to Red Steel so I can write it during the Novel in a Month contest, attempting to prepare for a real adult life, and then of course my obligations to you guys with this blog. That’s quite a bit to do, and sometimes in order to keep my sanity I wind up dropping one of these responsibilities. Unfortunately, this time it happened to be the blog, and for that I apologize. Things just happened to get a little too much for me and hopefully I’ll be able to handle it better in the future, or at least once I’m finished with my bankruptcy class.

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*cries*

     Now hold on, I know what some of you are thinking. “Oh boo hoo, he’s got a busy schedule and most of it isn’t really important! Waaaaah!” you say, and you’re right. But, I want to let you guys know something, especially since it’s Mental Health Awareness Week: I suffer from pretty intense anxiety and depression, and often a load like this is enough to cause me to freak out and break a little bit. The fact that I’m here writing this and that I feel comfortable telling you all this (admittedly, it’s easier over the Internet, but I digress) shows some improvement. However, both of these diseases still like to knock me around more often than not, and it’s only been popping up more and more often recently. It’s no surprise, really. The book’s not hitting as much as I might have liked, work is ramping up with the upcoming holiday season, and the spectre of adulthood is getting closer and closer. That’s quite a bit of stress and I feel like my fragile state of mind tends to make me a little more susceptible to my anxious and depressive episodes than most folks. Since I’ve already jumped in and let you in on my life story, I figure I should give you a little bit of background.

     I’ve dealt with both of these issues for as far back as I can remember. The first time I can really remember them developing and really taking hold was around the fifth grade, where I started acting more irrationally and angrily towards people than most kids. A lot of friendships that I valued suffered because I couldn’t control myself and I didn’t realize what was happening to me, and this continued for many years, to the point where I wasn’t fully aware of what was wrong until I was halfway through college. Going to a Christian school of the “hellfire and damnation” variety that constantly reinforced my negative feelings about myself certainly didn’t help, either. My self-doubt and depression ate away at my self-confidence and self-image for years, with only a morose, emotionally dead individual left by the time I graduated high school. I was good at hiding it, though, making it easier for my friends and family to take and often keeping them completely in the dark as to what was really going on.

     If it was just some bad feelings and a weird school curriculum then I would probably be a lot better off, but it wasn’t. Death is a constant visitor to my family, and it was one year in particular that really knocked me off the edge and let the diseases I wrestle with take control of my life. When I was in high school, I went through a year where my cousin, my aunt, and my beloved family pet (I’d had her since I was two, and I was sixteen at this time) all passed away from one form of cancer or another. It was also a strange kind of succession, as if each one was meant to twist the knife in a little further. My cousin lived in Ohio, and I only really got to see her once before she passed. I’d visit my aunt, who lived an hour and a half from me, every week with my dad and I basically watched her deteriorate until I couldn’t even tell if she was conscious anymore. I watched my dog go through the same thing, except I was there to watch her die. I was certainly not the one to suffer the most during all of these events, but for some reason I've always been terrible with death, and I'm still haunted by the idea that the good, kind and loving people in my family should be here and that I shouldn't be. Not exactly something any normal person should be thinking, right?

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To lighten the mood, here's kitten and puppy best friends. Aren't they adorable?

     When you’re sixteen years old you’re supposed to feel invincible, going out and doing stupid things to test how far you can go before the universe puts you in your place. It’s supposed to be a good time, but I had my rude awakening in perhaps the worst way possible and grew up pretty quickly. One day it all became too much and, well, let’s just say that it’s only thanks to the good Lord above that I’m still here writing this sappy post to you guys. My parents soon found out about it and have been there to support me when I needed them, but the problem was that I felt like I didn’t deserve their help and blew all their attempts off. After all, why should I even bother trying to get better when I had nothing of any value to contribute to the world? I was just a dumb kid who hated himself and thought that I was just a giant waste of space, so any attempts of self-improvement went right out the window for quite some time. I eventually got better, but it was very tough.

     The big question that I’ve asked myself throughout my life is very simple: why even bother carrying on? If I felt this badly, why suffer through life if I don't think it's worth it? I always had my faith in Christ, even in my darkest times, but there was something inside that I didn’t know would eventually become my passion and ultimate goal in life: writing. Ever since I first watched A Fistful of Dollars, the epic Western by the great Sergio Leone starring Clint Eastwood (the man most responsible for making me want to be a writer) with my dad when I was a kid, I’d always wanted to try and create scenes like that opening shootout or other cool moments in my own little projects. I have entire notebooks filled with the daily journal entries I’d use as an excuse to tell whatever story I had in my head, and I might even post some of them up for your amusement one day. Spoiler alert: they’re pretty awful, but in, like, an endearing kind of way.

     During the year that my cousin, aunt, and dog died, I accidentally stumbled upon a website that would change my life forever. One day, after surfing through the Internet out of sheer boredom, I found an animated review for a movie called Funny People that I thought was fairly amusing. The guys talking about it were funny but insightful, and I decided that I would keep up with them and their work. This was a website called Spill.com, and the five guys who talked about movies (Korey Coleman, Chris Cox, Martin Thomas, C. Robert Cargill, and Tony Guerrero) opened my eyes to the possibility that my love of movies wasn’t just some stupid and irrational waste of time but could be a real intellectual pleasure and a worthy pursuit. They taught me about film history and about the technical aspects that really bring a film to life, from cinematography to editing to the score and so on, changing my view on movies, storytelling, and my burgeoning dreams as a writer into something that seemed real and tangible. I’m not going to go so far as to say that they saved my life during that time, but their daily content gave me something to look forward to and without them I don’t think I’d have ever had the courage to really try and dare to pursue this pipe dream of being a writer. I was legitimately heartbroken when the site was shut down, but their members still do similar work today, and you all should check them out.

     I started writing Red Steel about six years ago (after writing an entire novel that I eventually junked) and when it came time to start editing and put it out there, my anxiety struck big time and brought those dreams to a halt. I was a college student feeling the fears of trying to find a career path, and I decided that it was time to hang up the writing and try to find something that I wouldn’t hate myself for doing. That all changed when, once again, something movie-related came along and resuscitated my dreams again. This was Jeremy Saulnier’s Blue Ruin, one of my favorite movies of all time and one of the most influential works I’ve ever seen.

     A story of revenge gone horribly wrong, Blue Ruin is a haunting, brutal and very complex view of violence that really stuck with me, but it was actually the story behind the film that really spoke to me. Saulnier, a cinematographer that had always wanted to be a director, literally gave up everything that he had in order to fund this film, putting his comfortable life with his wife and children on the line for his dreams. Blue Ruin found pretty extraordinary success, particularly at the prestigious Cannes Film Festival, and it finally shook me out of my self-blaming headspace. I realized that if a guy with everything to lose was willing to risk it all, I really had no excuse to not get Red Steel out there, and this idea drove me all the way to the end to the point where it is actually out there and available for reading and (hopefully) enjoyment. I hope that I get the opportunity, whether it’s from writing or circumstance or some divine intervention, to meet Mr. Saulnier and thank him for his inspiration, because without him I don’t think I’d have even bothered to start this blog.

     Finally, despite all of the darkness that hovers around my mind and my heart, there are still a lot of things that help me stay focused and remind me of my dreams. Once again, my faith is still a cornerstone of all this, and I thank God for all of the things that I’ve gotten as a result of this experience. There are also a lot of people out there that inspire me and encourage me to follow my dreams and remind me that they’re not foolish after all. The folks at Screen Junkies do this every day when I see their Movie Fights or watch their Honest Trailers, showing some awfully young guys with the same passions that I do making a living off of it. Then there’s people like Connor Jessup, a young actor who also writes and directs his own stuff despite being actually younger than I am. If that isn’t motivation to at least get a book out, I don’t know what is!

     One of my biggest fears in this life is that even if I achieve all of my dreams, I will not be fulfilled because of my anxiety and depression being something that will never truly go away. However, I’ve decided to dedicate myself to something much more selfless instead of trying to make myself feel good, and that’s to use my platform and my writing to try and make a positive impact on people. I realize now that if God saw fit to keep me here on this planet, I need to put the talents that He gave me to good use and better somebody’s life. Whether I'm delving deep into some movie to make you think or writing something a little personal like this, I hope that somebody out there finds at least some modicum of enjoyment or distraction from life. Please, if you read this and are struggling, never give up because I can tell you from experience that life does get better. To those who are like I was, feeling lonely and worthless and that life isn’t worth it, you’re wrong. You ARE important, you HAVE value, and you are NEVER alone. Please, do not give up and seek help if you feel like you can’t fight the battle anymore. It doesn't make you weak or any less of a person. Despite what our culture says it takes true strength to admit that people like us need help, so don't ever feel ashamed to ask! I’m including some links here and here for those who need them.

     Sorry for going on so long, but I felt that after all this time that I really needed to give you guys something to dig into. Please share this so that we can get this to people who need it and information about where they can get help. If you have any stories similar to mine please comment and let me know how you beat the illnesses or any other struggles you’ve faced. I would certainly like to read them and engage with you all.  Finally, to my friends and family, mostly my parents, who have dealt with me at my worst and have encouraged me to keep fighting and reaching for the stars, thank you so much for never letting me give up. I thank God for you every single day, and I hope that above all else I have made you proud. Thanks for reading guys, I hope to have more content for you soon!